


Bitter

by totalcontrol



Category: The L Word (TV 2004), The L Word: Generation Q (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Smut, Tibette, but hear me out, they are simply soulmates, they cant stop thinking of each other, they have sex with other people, they just love each other so much, with a lot of feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-27
Updated: 2020-01-27
Packaged: 2021-02-27 12:35:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,193
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22427179
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/totalcontrol/pseuds/totalcontrol
Summary: Bette and Tina try to forget how much it hurts to not be with one another.
Relationships: Bette Porter/Maya, Tina Kennard/Bette Porter, tina kennard/carrie
Comments: 3
Kudos: 46





	Bitter

Carrie had left hours ago for a business dinner with her colleagues, leaving Tina home alone, replaying last night’s events through the screen of her phone. Tina had never felt so nervous as she’d felt when she was waiting and hoping for the poll results to announce Bette’s victory. Her eyes locked on the TV, every instant felt endless. She knew Bette had been made for this, her unwavering fierce convictions had always been one of Bette’s most wildly enticing features. However anxious Tina was, deep within her lied a relentless confidence that Bette would win, so once the results of her defeat were announced, Tina felt that her heart had sunk beyond the ground. She couldn’t stop her mind from creating a thousand images of Bette’s crushed and defeated expression. Even with Carrie by her side, receiving the news with her, Tina couldn’t shield herself from the feeling that plundered through her unannounced. An unsettling wave of concern for Bette’s reaction. Tina was afraid her ex-wife would either explode or implode, shut herself down and move on or simply sink into an overwhelming pool of guilt and grief for feeling as if she had failed miserably.

Now alone, without Carrie in the house, Tina allowed herself to sink deeper into that feeling. She kept replaying on her phone a video of Bette’s statement after the loss. She could see way through the strong and astute image Bette had brilliantly presented to the public. Tina knew every movement of hers like they were her very own - every flinch, every breath, every pause, they all compiled a symphony of intuitive information that innately communicated with Tina’s mind and body, letting her know exactly how Bette was feeling.  
It was growing harder to push the underlying thought away; the instinct Tina felt to run to her ex-wife and simply let Bette fall and undo herself in her own arms. Tina knew Bette had all her friends, and even Angie by her side, yet she couldn’t get rid of the feeling of guilt that wandered through the back of her mind, telling her that she should be there with Bette, that she should have been there when Kit died, that she should be there always.

As if both a salvation and a warning to not allow this sensation to fester, Tina heard Carrie opening the front door. She quickly closed the youtube page where she had been fixated for the past hours and took a deep breath, trying to clear her mind of all that had build up in the time she’d been alone. She picked up the book next to her and pretended to be enthralled in the reading process as Carrie closed the door and threw her bag on the counter. Tina could hear her footsteps as she approached her, and once Carrie was within sight, Tina looked up from her book, “Hey baby, how was your dinner, did you have fun?”

  
“Oh, it was alright, not too boring. Just couldn’t wait to get home to my fiancé” Carrie said, smirking and sitting down next to Tina, planting a kiss on the corner of her lips.

~

As she approached Maya’s house, Bette asked herself if going on this date had been the right decision. She’d had a nice time, Maya was kind and even proved to be quite intriguing, yet the question remained unanswered and it dangerously manifested itself at the base of her stomach. _Am I using this woman as yet another distraction?_ Just earlier in the day she had been in such a state of exhaustion she wouldn’t even dare think of it now, for she would purely come undone and _that_ she would not do. Not now. The only woman who has ever held her in such moments was gone now. In love with someone else and off to marry another. Touching the subject arose in Bette such an anguish she pushed it away with all her might. Tried not to think of it as she closed Maya’s front door and pushed the woman against the door; tried to erase the memory of when Tina told her she was moving to LA with her new lover as she felt Maya melting beneath her, allowing Bette to do as she pleased. Letting her keys and her bag fall to the floor, Maya leaned her head back as Bette kissed her fiercely, and when Maya’s hands went up to caress Bette’s hair, Bette took them in hers and used the movement to turn Maya around so she was facing the door. Bette took off the woman’s coat and pulled her hair to the side so she could softly kiss her bare neck.

~

Tina’s body had tensed as soon as Carrie uttered the word _fiancé_. The discharge of emotions that followed were so staggering and confusing that the last thing Tina wished was to have to deal with anything of the sort, she desired only to drown those thoughts and not allow them to surface ever again. She turned to look Carrie in the eyes, staring at her lips before straddling her on the couch without a word. Carrie abided immediately, travelling her hands from Tina’s thighs to to the small of her back, touching the bare skin underneath Tina’s shirt. At the touch, Tina’s hips flexed upwards and away, and from behind her back she grabbed Carrie’s hands and locked them together above her head as she breathed heavily just behind Carrie’s ear. Carrie let out a deep and short groan and sank deeper into the couch, letting Tina take control.

Tina distanced herself somewhat to look at the woman beneath her, to look into her eyes. Not wanting to take the risk of falling into the recently discovered and alarming well of emotions, Tina kissed her wildly, deepening the kiss in a matter of seconds and bruising Carrie’s lips with occasional bites as she moved her hips back and forth on Carrie’s lap.

She let Carrie’s hands loose and allowed them to move through her back as Tina let her own hands explore Carrie’s dark brown hair. Loose and wild, and although not the same, it reminded Tina of Bette’s hair. As soon as the thought invaded her mind it seemed to mark its territory and refuse to leave. Tina’s hands moved freely through Carrie’s wavy hair and the sensation it gave her awakened something inside her, something that had been hiding deep within her for a long time. She imagined Bette’s curly and shiny locks as she buried her fingers into Carrie’s scalp, letting a deep moan mindlessly escape her lips.

~

As Bette and Maya moved to the bedroom between open mouthed kisses, Bette thought of the last time she had been with anyone in the intimacy of their bedroom. She couldn’t recall it, for when she was with Felicity they had always sneaked into hotel rooms. The train of thought would undoubtedly end up in a place of her mind reserved only for Tina. She shoved the thought away as she shoved Maya onto the bed. Standing straight in front of her, looking down at the woman laying on the bed, waiting, Bette undid the zip of her dress. She took it off slowly, but looking now at Maya, intensely gazing at her, all that Bette could see was Tina; for a fleeting moment, she is paralysed, and all that she can feel is her love for Tina. The never-ending flood of heartbreak announces itself as the winner yet again and all that is left for Bette to do in this moment is fight it the only way she can, so she gently throws herself on top of Maya and firmly kisses and bites at her neck. Maya attempts to touch Bette, but Bette makes it clear that she doesn’t want to by taking Maya’s hands once more and locking them above her head with a single steady grip. She looks at Maya and sees the woman respond with a soft moan, arching her back as Bette used her other hand to travel between her chest to the sides of her hips, pulling Maya’s dress up to reveal the flesh of her thighs. Every movement she performed up to this point and every movement that followed were merely an added layer of Bette’s desperate plan to obscure and outrun all that she had lost. Every touch brought her both closer and further away from Tina.

~

“Touch me now” Tina pleaded as she moved her hips at a slightly faster pace and took Carrie’s hand in hers as to guide it to the inside of her jeans. As soon as Carrie’s fingers touched her, images of Bette touching her _there_ exploded at every corner of her mind. She didn’t attempt to fight it now, instead, she gave herself to whatever twisted journey her mind had in store for her. Carrie started to move around her faster and Tina closed her eyes tighter and tighter as she let herself go and held on to Carrie’s hair. When Carrie decided to insert a finger inside her, Tina’s mind conjured up an image of Bette’s intense gaze of when they used to make love to one another; the one gaze Tina knew far too well. The image was staring back at her so vividly and consumed her in such a way that she swore she could smell Bette’s old familiar scent as if she were right beneath her, giving her pleasure.

It was all too much; the sensations all merged with one another and Tina couldn’t care less by now. She quickened the pace and Carrie thrusted deeper inside her, it was a matter of seconds before Tina’s entire body tensed and her moans grew deeper and louder, as if she were afraid she would yell out Bette’s name in a foolish and momentary fit of madness.

Once Tina relaxed a little she let herself fall on the couch beside Carrie, her wife to be. Carrie approached her, kissing her in tender places, and between sighs Tina managed to blurt out how amazing her fiancé was, yet she pulled away from Carrie’s soft embrace and sat up straighter.

“Oh baby, I’m so tired. I think I’m gonna take a shower and meet you in bed. If that’s alright with you.” Tina said as she stood up and slowly headed towards the bathroom.

“Yes honey, go on. It’s been a long day for me too.”

As soon as Tina enters the bathroom she turns on the water and quickly takes off all her clothes, wanting nothing more than to feel immersed in the warmth. For a few minutes she thinks of nothing at all, believing that maybe everything will be okay and what happened was solely a human and momentary lapse, but soon enough it all hits her. Every feeling she had been trying to lock away arises within her at full force, consuming her with a sensation of longing she had made herself believe was long gone. Unable to grasp at any practical line of thought, she lets herself sink into the floor of the shower, pulling her knees close to her chest and giving the tears permission to run freely and without judgement, letting them be washed away.

  
~

  
Maya was sound asleep by her side. The way her leg was entwined with hers caused Bette’s heart to race senselessly. She hasn’t really given herself time to process what Tina had told her the night they had dinner together. When they had met up with Shane, Bette could swear she had felt that the magic they shared was starting to make itself known again. Foolishly, she had given herself entirely to that dangerous and hopeful feeling that had settled and travelled to every corner of her soul. Reminiscing memories of when Tina was pregnant with Angie, connecting in a way only they could, knowing exactly what the other was thinking of; even Tina telling her that she was thinking of moving back to LA; it had all given Bette’s hope the strength it needed to fully flourish. All of this to immediately be taken down and destroyed. All of her dreams turned to dust; the happy family, the love of her life, the hope of being mayor and turning this city around in memory of her sister. It was all gone, and it was all beyond her control.

Bette carefully untangled herself from the sheets and stood up, wandering around this stranger’s house. She picked up a blanket that was resting on the couch and wrapped it around her body, walking towards the balcony and deciding to stay outside for a while, looking at the sky and trying to let go of all the things she could not possibly pick up and piece together. She played out the events of the night and felt the dread of how disappointing it all was. Always is. No matter how much she tries, no one would ever feel good enough against her skin, never in comparison. No one could make her feel as alive. No one would ever come close to Tina. Not in a million lifetimes.


End file.
